To My Tormentor

2016/11/24 § Leave a comment

You used to be a friend.

You used to be a treasured friend.

Until you ruined me.

You thought I would not find out – but I did.

I’ve always wondered what made you do the things you did.

What did I ever do to you?

Up to this day, I’ve never figured it out.

People tell me they ask you to apologize – but you wouldn’t.

It’s okay. I don’t need one.

Go on and live your life and I’ll live mine.

It’s been months since.

Through those months I keep telling myself I don’t care.

Through those months I keep telling myself I’m okay.

After 9 months, I’m strong enough to say – I’m not.

I’m not okay.

I was never okay.

I hate it.

I hate you.

I hate me.

I hate everything that’s going on inside me – inside my head.

I hate that everything you do affects me.

I lie to myself every single day when I say it doesn’t.

I hate that I think of you in everything I do.

I hate how much control you have in my life.

I hate myself because I allowed you to have that much control.

I hate myself for caring so much – too much.

Not about you… I’ve long stopped caring about you.

And I will never care about you.

But I will always look you up – to see what’s going on.

To see what you’ve been up to.

And I hate myself some more..

Because finally, after 9 months… I can admit…

I’m jealous…

I can’t stop.

And I hate myself more…

After 9 months…

After telling myself to stop caring…

After detaching myself from you…

After pushing myself forward…

I have shoved myself more towards this hole,

Where you can continuously torment me.

Where you can continuously torture me.

Where you can continuously control me.

I have succumb to this pain.

And I have allowed you to win.

 

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You are currently reading To My Tormentor at A Splash of Winter in the Heat of the Tropical Sun.

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