To My Tormentor
2016/11/24 § Leave a comment
You used to be a friend.
You used to be a treasured friend.
Until you ruined me.
You thought I would not find out – but I did.
I’ve always wondered what made you do the things you did.
What did I ever do to you?
Up to this day, I’ve never figured it out.
People tell me they ask you to apologize – but you wouldn’t.
It’s okay. I don’t need one.
Go on and live your life and I’ll live mine.
It’s been months since.
Through those months I keep telling myself I don’t care.
Through those months I keep telling myself I’m okay.
After 9 months, I’m strong enough to say – I’m not.
I’m not okay.
I was never okay.
I hate it.
I hate you.
I hate me.
I hate everything that’s going on inside me – inside my head.
I hate that everything you do affects me.
I lie to myself every single day when I say it doesn’t.
I hate that I think of you in everything I do.
I hate how much control you have in my life.
I hate myself because I allowed you to have that much control.
I hate myself for caring so much – too much.
Not about you… I’ve long stopped caring about you.
And I will never care about you.
But I will always look you up – to see what’s going on.
To see what you’ve been up to.
And I hate myself some more..
Because finally, after 9 months… I can admit…
I can’t stop.
And I hate myself more…
After 9 months…
After telling myself to stop caring…
After detaching myself from you…
After pushing myself forward…
I have shoved myself more towards this hole,
Where you can continuously torment me.
Where you can continuously torture me.
Where you can continuously control me.
I have succumb to this pain.
And I have allowed you to win.